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   Many working mothers feel guilty about the time that their work takes away from their kids. As a result, it is not uncommon for them to change their behavior in an effort to try and “make up” for working. Do you change the way that you play with your kids? Have you become so engrossed in your business endeavors that you have almost stopped playing with them entirely?

Do you:

• buy your kids more things than you feel like they need almost as if to say, “yes, mommy’s been away but look what that gets you (all of these nice things)?”
• try and pack in too many activities into your kids schedules (even though your family time and energy level suffers because of it)?
• try to do it all for them when you are home OR totally checkout (retreating to a bedroom or becoming unavailable / unresponsive) because you’re tired from having way too much on your plate?
• buy them things that will keep them busy so you can work more at home?

   There are several really key things that I have noticed in the moms around me and as a result I am very conscious of my own behaviors in these areas. It’s really made a world of difference in how balanced I feel.

1. Don’t rush them -“Hurry up, we have to go!” “Hurry now, we have to get home so I can make dinner.” Hurry, come on, get a move on, yadda, yadda, yadda. The world is moving at a fast enough pace for kids these days. ADD and ADHD are on the rise. Kids are “plugged in” to something more than they are connecting with their own families. Parents are stressed and short tempered.

Rushing –> Adrenaline –> Easily Irritated

   My own young children (3 and 6 years old) are very sensitive to this. If I start telling them to hurry, hurry, hurry, within an hour someone is having a melt-down or “acting up”. I try to be very conscious of slowing myself down before I pick up my kids from preschool/school. I listen to s-l-o-w music in the car if it’s rush hour, traffic is jammed, and I have to hurry to get the kids picked up. Letting my adrenaline get the best of me will not make me get there any faster. Besides, if I’m all hyped up when I pick up the kids, then they pick up on that and end up feeding it right back to me in the form of some sort of tantrum!

2. Realize that your kids have missed you.- No matter how badly they act when you see them after even a brief separation your kids have missed you.

   Have you ever heard that a married couple that spends too much time apart will spend their first few hours (or days) together fighting? You’ve missed each other so much that now you are together again and you feel like you have to fit it all in! Stop telling yourself, even in some small way, that they haven’t even noticed that you’ve been gone. Of course they have!!! Just ask them. (Don’t start feeling guilty about this. We’ll address that in a minute.)

   Here’s exactly what you can say,“you really missed me today didn’t you?” (Child answers.) “I really missed you alot today too. I thought about you (at whatever time) and was wondering how your day was going.” This is particularly effective if done just as a fight is about to begin or a child becomes weepy.

   To put it another way, I heard a preschool teacher say that kids save all of their important emotions for their parents. I’m sure that you have talked to your child’s teacher only to have figured out that they don’t always act the way that they do at home.

3. Evaluate how much time you are spending away from your kids. Make sure you are comfortable with that. If you absolutely are, then great! That means perhaps that you have a business or job that you love. In this case, you are just going to have to accept (as are your children) that you are going to miss some time in their lives. Trying to find ways to connect with your kids more often can help. Leave them notes in their lunch boxes. If they are too small for that, tape a family picture inside their bag or leave some with their teacher. If they are older and have a cellphone, text messaging can be a great way to connect. My kids love to send daddy a picture on his cellphone during the work day! It really does seem to keep him more “in the loop” as to what is going on in their day. 

   If you are not happy with how much you’re away from them, then it may be time to evaluate your work options or set better boundaries with your work / life balance.

3. Slow down with them. The end of the school day or work day is crunch time for a lot of families. Make the most of this time.

Here are some ideas:

Fix dinner together. (My kids help me almost every night in some way.) Use this time to teach them, ask about their day, tell them about yours, share old family memories, etc..

Plan several lighter, faster meals for during the week, try out one of those fix-ahead dinner businesses that are popping up all over the country (or at least hijack their menu ideas for what will freeze well!), do a marathon cooking session (a.k.a. once a month cooking), or just adopt a consistent menu schedule (Monday is pasta night, Tuesday’s are soup and salad, Wednesday is ethnic night, Thursday nights we eat out (something healthy), Friday is living room picnic night, etc., etc..)

Play a game after dinner. Quick card games with few rules can be great here. Go fish, old maid, blackjack (21), war, UNO, and similar games are wonderful, easy games that take very little brain power at the end of a long day. Operation, Perfection, and Trouble are easy classics as well. My 3 year old likes it when I get out a deck of cards, lay out one card at a time and ask her, “what number is that?” She could easily go through the deck several times before tiring of it. Then I have to promptly hand over the box so she can put all of the cards back in it one – by – one. Trust me, THAT is the epitome of having to slow down.

Sit on the couch, turn on the TV, put somebody’s head in your lap, and stroke their hair. There’s nothing quite like a little loving from mom. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll return the favor!

4. Get rid of the timer in your head. Maybe you do have a thousand things to do. We all do. Small business owners always have something that needs their attention. Just turn it off and really focus on your kids in the present moment. Find that boring / difficult? Then perhaps, its time to get a little “unplugged” yourself.

Happy Kids + Balance in my business = Happy Me

   Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel overwhelmed. You can do this. Don’t let problems linger or they can lead you straight down the road to burnout and right out of business. There are thousands of us out here that are doing it. You just have to find the right methods.

   So, how’s it going out there in your small business world? What’s working for you and where do you still face challenges on this issue? How have you combatted working mother guilt? I’d love to hear from you. Share your experiences by leaving a comment on this blog post. And as always, I’ll see you around Momville!

I’ve been searching quite a lot lately for articles, websites, ideas, etc. doing research for Momville.com and so I’m bouncing along and ran across this great article on mom entrepreneurs and their stress over at MSNBC. Everything was going along great until I started reading the comments to this post. Needless to say this guy really got me quite hot!

Here are his comments:

The above article doesn’t mention the number of women with advanced degrees who [correctly] opt out of the work force to do what they should be doing:  take care of their families.  

Yes there are a few great female CEOs.  There are a lot of posers. The politically correct “superFem” role model in the US has denigrated the role of the male work force, turned women into self-seeking failures, and gone no where.  Amazingly, superFems are the rising stars of a dying economy.

A non-linear brain, though more complex than a male linear model, is more suited to support than leadership.

There is a tremendous social and societal cost to all of this. As women gain in political stature, their complexity results in unrealistic laws and management.  Nancy Pelosi is a monstrous representative of obstructionism.  She promised immediate results upon election but has delivered nothing.

Gloria Steinem and her ilk need to read the Bible instead of removing it from society.

Are you upset yet? Well, I surely was. And so here is my rebuttal, which thankfully they decided to allow.

I don’t think that the superFem role is politically correct so much as it is “about time”. For the first time in human history, women actually have a choice as to whether they would like to stay home, have kids, and raise a family or work overtime, get more advanced degrees, and have a career.
  As far as having a non-linear brain goes, I would say that in some form, you are correct. I believe that this makes women more capable at completing many complex tasks / projects at one time that require attention to detail and teamwork instead of just pure leadership (standing around and pointing the finger). It sounds like to me that in the future corporate working models are going to have to change to accommodate this new way of working that women are adeptly proficient at.
  And at last that brings us to, Nancy Pelosi’s lack of deliverance. While I may not agree with her, she most definitely has been preceeded by several thousand years of men that promised the moon but only delivered rocks once they were in power.

   If they allowed a 5 page comment, I certainly would’ve given him one! Ladies out there, don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad or degraded because of the work / life choices that you are making about taking care of yourself and your children. Many of our grandmothers had to stay home because they couldn’t really work. Many of our mothers felt as if they had to work because it was really the first time that women had truly been let out of the cage (and not had their wings clipped).

   So, regardless of the choices that you are making or struggling with, whether that is working full-time, working part-time, staying home altogether (SAHM), working from home (WAHM), or opening your own small business so that you can have your career completely on your own terms – just know that there are thousands of us out here with you. You are not alone!

   People are not always going to understand, no matter what your choices are. Someone will complain that you should be working (”how can you stay home all the time with your kids?!”). Somebody else will come up with all of the reasons that you should quit your job (”maybe you should just stay home and watch the kids!”). Any of these methods are going to be totally new and foreign to someone that you run into because it is different than their ideas of what parenting should be.

   I think that what is happening is that we, as a gender and as a society, are balancing out the equation. Perhaps your mom worked too much when you were growing up, so now you want to stay home. Maybe she always felt unfulfilled in life because she never got a chance to pursue her career – putting the seed in your head that you should work. We are finally going for the gusto and refusing to settle for second best. We want to put ourselves AND our children AND our careers first, all at the same time. You really are going to have to be a trailblazer and do what is right for you and your family. Hurrah!

   My own mother always told me that I could do absolutely anything that I put my mind too. I believed her! And look at me now! I love it. I even surprise her these days. (”What in the world made you think that you could do all that you’ve done? You’ve done a wonderful job of balancing it all out. I wish I could have done that!) Which just goes to show you – be careful what you instill in your children they might actually believe you!

Comments? Thoughts? Ideas? I’d love to hear them. Post them as a comment, you trailblazer you.

Want to read the original article? Check it out here –> Mom Entrepreneurs Are Stressed Out

See also the YourBiz area over at MSNBC for some great small business articles.

Also check out theWAHM Magazine, as the editor-in-chief commented on me and I really like a lady with a bit of spunk. They are doing some great articles and work over there. It’s a resource for work at home parents (WAHM or WAHD). Enjoy!